What Happened?

Well I haven't written in a while, but I've been having a hard time of it all. I don't know what's happening in my life, everything is changing far too fast for me to catch up.

I don't know what to do, I'm at a loss for words to even just describe it. My friends are all so distant I love them all so much but I can't talk to them. Whenever I really need someone to talk to there's no one around. I just don't understand what's happening. I'm beginning to hate going to school, hate being around people and just in general hate being alive. It could just be stress, I think. But I'm not sure anymore. I'm afraid of myself, of the world around me and of everyone else.

I just want to exist simply, or not at all. Why do I have to feel this confusion? What's the point of being alive if you hate it so much. I'm so confused. I don't even know if I'm depressed or not. I'm just...here. Existing in a surreal way. Please get out of my rut and leave me be. I don't know what you want from me I just want to be.

Where do I fit in with this grand scheme?

I'm so afraid.

I just don't understand anyone or anything anymore.

There's nothing left.

Bury me in the winter.

Reoccuring Dream

Awake, open your eyes.
Breathe, take to the skies.
Lost and have loved.
Blind and have seen.

Spinning. Screaming. Falling.

Out of Control.

I fall into your arms.
And awake again.

Song of the Tempest.

The clouds scamper across the sky
as skittish horses from a storm

A mournful wolf cries
as the wind dashes between the trees

Raindrops begin their descent
as burning tears well from her soul

The tempest dies and night retreats
revealing her, silent, staring and cold

First day as 15.

OK here we go. It's a new month, and it's due time for another post. I don't know, I've been really down lately. Too much stress for one insignificant girl. I felt I had cracked at one point, and almost went to pieces several times that day. The only thing that kept me going was looking forewords to today. I had a fantastic day, the best in weeks. It's such a sharp contrast, to go from manically depressed to happy. Let me explain.

Today is my birthday. No I'm not happy from material gain, truth be told I haven't even got anything yet. That's not what makes me happy though, money may buy some happiness, but not me. I'm not that type of girl. I started off today on 11 hours of sleep, a very decent number for me. I don't sleep often. I took two math tests, and received 80% on both, also quite decent. Caught the bus and went down to Bowness, where I met up with my friend Nathan. We just hung out, without worrying about anything. Just simply talking playing guitar and laughing while wandering aimlessly around Bowness (which in my opinion has great scenery, I'd like to take a camera around there sometime). This is the best I've felt in weeks. And I owe it all to Nate and a few hours of fun. It is now almost ten in the evening and I haven't done any homework. Somehow I don't care, I just don't think I should do it. I have no desire to rid myself of this elation I'm feeling. I'll come crashing down soon, but for the time being...

Josi Spencer is not depressed.

And she is loving it.

(And Nate, I hope my dad didn't scare you lmao)