Physical Condition: Sore hips, sore head, sick stomach, disoriented, awake, really tired.
Mental Condition: Confused and afraid.
Music: I Want To Tell You - The Beatles.
Food: No Thanks.
Drink: Coffee.
Current Thoughts: Oh god. What now?
These last few days have passed like something out of an amazing dream that is (in reality) a nightmare.
I don't know how to explain it. I guess it would be summarized by TOO MUCH SUBSTANCE. So I guess I gotta clean it up. I've done so many reckless things these past few days. I've broken promises to myself, I've shared experiences with people without even thinking about after effects, and I've literally just let go, to see what happens.
What happens is you essentially can not distinguish between your real feelings and your drug addled feelings. You may do something that you normally wouldn't be comfortable doing without so much as even a second thought. You will look back at this experience, and go, "Wow, that was amazing, we didn't even decide to do that, we just did." and not even care. Life just seems to random and different.
As disgusting as I feel, I believe I've learned something these past few days. Sometimes it's better to let go and see what happens. Start again from scratch. Just do everything, and when a bad experience crosses your path, learn from it. When a good one does, learn from it, grow, and possibly repeat it. Never question any of your experiences. They are unique only to you. Live life, and learn from it. Do not fear it. Do no judge before first hand knowledge is applied, and always ask questions when curious.
This is the beginning of Spring Break, and unlike the rest of the teenage populace, I actually do not believe I will be partying the whole time. I've gotten enough of that the past few days. I don't feel the need to get that done anymore as I've done it so much this past week, Hell, actually, this past month. I apologize to myself for all the abuse. It was unnecessary. I don't much care about the condition of my body, but when both my mind and my body are under constant attack, it's time to fix it.
Tomorrow will be a day of hard work and reflection.
I realize now that I don't need you. I want you to be there for me, I want you to trust me, and I want to be friends with you still. I want to know you. You, however, have made it apparent that this cannot be for now. I want you to know that I care about you and I want you to know that if you need me, I'll be there for you. We're done now though. I see that. And you want to portray that. I'm fine with it.
I'm going to let life write itself now. I don't know what that's going to entail, but I'm excited to see.
I guess it means that I have to take precautions to make sure I stay alive long enough to let it write itself.
--Joi
