Only Once

I don't know why, nobody told you, how to unfold your love.

Mood: Not bad not good.
Physical Condition: Not in TOO much pain, just not comfortable.
Mental Condition: Actually a little annoyed, but nothing intolerable.
Music: Don't Cry - Guns N' Roses
Food: Sammich.
Location: Pincher Creek Alberta.
Current Thoughts: This room has so much echo it's unbelievable. That piano is SO out of tune. AH!

Pincher Creek, lovely little town, well kept museum, and quite pleasant people. That last post sounded a touch dark, but it's just something that came to mind. Now I have something to explain it next time someone asks me. It's nice to know I can explain things, they just come at the wrong time.

I've been so all over the place lately it's ridiculous. I've been really high, then really low repeatedly. I think I've worn my body down so much that I'm beginning to get a repeated case of the shakes. Oh well, I've got something working for me though. I entered another relationship.

As trivial as that sounds for someone my age, I'm really happy with it. The circumstances under which it's started though are somewhat dubious. He's a failed social experiment of mine. Now we're dating. Either I am weak in my resolve, or he's absolutely amazing. I think it must be about half and half.

I was talking with Dan, and he was telling me how he's had crushes on girls since we split but apparently none of them feels the same way I did to him. Personally I think he might be being a little melodramatic, but honestly I think I get how he feels. It's supposed to be like that though, I mean, no two people are the same. I loved him, I still do, it's just not the same though. And it's putting a lot of pressure on me to try and deal with everything. I don't want to tell him though, because I want to help; but before I help him, I think I've got to help myself.

It's nice to feel love in that sense again though, I'm not going to deny it. I really enjoy the feeling. I hope Dan can get back up after what we went through and get to it again. He really deserves to be able to. He's a sweetie.

Anyways, I've got to head off. I'm on a break. I've been performing at the Pincher Creek Harvest Festival all day, and I'm starting to get pretty wiped, but I've got another set to go do.

And Steph, my condolences.

Concrete

Cause surrounded by these walls, just makes me feel uneasy.

Mood: Detached.

Physical Condition: Half beaten to death.

Overview: Do I have to?

Music: Papercut Skins - The Matches

Current Thoughts: Being lost in one's head is not pleasant. One cannot escape. Even with the promise of sunshine on a stormy day, one still cannot unearth what lurks therein.

Being concrete doesn't mean much to me. Am I made of stone? Am I as strong as I appear to be? Am I lucidly dreaming my entire reality? Where am I?

I am lost.

Yes, that's where I am, somewhere lost deep within the depths of a world I've created. It's littered with shattered memories of seamless pasts; it's soft sand screaming underfoot. A place of dark existence with small pinnacles of light too far away to grasp, yet close enough to hope. A place of musical silence as if a greater power has pressed the mute button, yet the song continues. This is a place outside of the exterior of the inside. This is my place. This is where I reside.

Welcome to my central desert of forgotten indulgence, where the night terrors creep and the sun rises only to set. Welcome to the hole. Welcome to the activities taking place inside the scum of the world. Welcome to the nightmare of false reality. Welcome to the past. Welcome to the present. Welcome to the future.

Hello.

How kind of you to join me. I know you're not really here, but that's okay, mirages are a rare sight in the pit of the blind. You may stay as long as you'd like. If you like.

Oh... Right. You're a figment of my imagination. So I suppose you're leaving again like all the others.

That's fine. I knew it all along. You haven't hurt me this time. You haven't caught me. Because I knew. Because I am capable of learning. That's where the stars come from.

Good bye.

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Do you want to go to the seaside? I'm not trying to say that everybody wants to go. But I fell in love with the seaside.

Physical Condition: Ouch. Ouch. OUCH. My hip is dislocated. Woohoo...
Mental Condition: Confused mainly, but becoming more lucidly pensive.
Time: 10:52 pm.
Mood: Grey.
Colour: Grey.
Sky: Grey (Alright, I made that one up, but for some reason everything feels grey.)
Music: Epitaph - King Crimson.

It really has been one of those five day spans of "I'm sorry but, what the FUCK is going on in my life??!?" I've been up, down, upside down, and thrown around. I still don't know where I stand, much less if it's solid ground. It's been um, interesting at best.

School life has been pretty much same old same old. I have teachers, most of which I don't like, I have homework, most of which I don't want to do, and I have people around me, which doesn't hurt. I have decided that social studies this year is going to be terrible, as is french. I think I might be able to pull math out of my hat, only because for the time being I'm amused with it. Bio so far has actually been a blast, so no complaints there. Plus I like the teacher. That pretty much sums up school though.

Social life has been good. I miss hanging with Katie and Josh hither and dither, but I'm enjoying greatly the company I've been with lately as well.

Love life. Oh god. 'Nuff said. I don't really know what I'm doing with it. I think I'm coming closer to a decision though. I'm going to give it... Maybe another week or two though just to be sure. Am I too cautious? Who knows.

Life on the inside has been revealing. I know have fully identified my illogical logic circle complex. Now I just need to approach it and disable it. That'll take time, but at least I know what it is, and what must be done. It's nice to know small things about yourself from time to time.

Anyways, that's just a brief update on my life as Joi Grey in the real world.

Sometimes I really wonder how real it all is.

How Am I In Grade 11?

And the walls came down, all the way to hell.

Music: Tweeter and the Monkey Man - The Traveling Wilburys
Mood: Resigned
Physical Health: Sore back and head, but limber legs. Tired.
Current Thoughts: What the hell kind of drugs do you have to be on to write the song Tweeter and the Monkey Man?


So tomorrow is the first day of grade 11. Holy shit tomorrow is the first day of grade 11. I think I really want to prove myself this year. I'll work hard and try to get it to pay off. I want to impress myself, prove to myself I can be more than a lost cause. I want to make myself better. I have so many demons in my head, and not enough time or effort to get them out. I want to get them out so bad. I hope that if I just work at it that they'll leave, or I'll resolve them.

So my timetable first semester looks terrifying. I've got Biology 20, Social 20 PF, FLA 20 and Math 20 PF. It looks ferocious. Yeah so what, I'm not in the highest classes, but I think I'll do just fine. I don't want to be perfect, I want to make mistakes and learn from them.

I cried my eyes out last night. I blame Norm, he pretty much showed me exactly where my problems are and kinda stabbed them. It was disheartening. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, like a rock. Like I'll always be their rock. But I'm so weak, and even though I hate being perceived as so, I can't change a fact about myself that fast. It'll take work.

I suppose I'm to go to bed in order to wake tomorrow. I'm interested in seeing what the day will bring.

Wish me luck.