A Change Would Do You Good

So I haven't been sleeping much.
I'm tired.
I'm cold.
And for all I know, I'm sick.

I had the weirdest dream last night...

A few older kids and I, I can't remember who was there, were standing in the hall of a school, also non specified, taking care of some younger kids (ages 5- 11 probably). I can't remember why we were all in the hallway, but we were standing there. Then this man with the most chilling blue eyes, and contrasting boring brown hair walks up grabs one of the younger kids, possibly my brother, picks them up by the arm, bites them, and then runs away into the next room and curls up cowering in fear upon the couch. Some non specified guy and I go and beat him up (kicking, punching, scratching and biting etc...) and then kick him out of the building and lock the door. The same thing happens 7 more times in a row, always following the same pattern, until I wake up. Just before I woke up I got the strangest premonition about the man. The man and his dog died and EXACTLY the same time. The man's spirit moved on, but the dog's didn't. Being as they died within seconds of each other, having the dogs spirit inside the mans body resuscitated it and the body of the man came back to life, with the dog's mean tempered spirit.

Go on, call my subconscious mental. (Bad pun, I beg forgiveness).

My life as I know it, does not make sense to me. And I'm not sure if I'm cool with that yet. Everything for me takes so long to get used to, because I've never been really used to anything because it ALWAYS used to change ALL the time. I find that life is very difficult and a good portion of the time, I 'm not good at difficult things. So yeah, it really sucks balls (to use a masculine expression) sometimes.

But I think I can make it through, if I try hard enough. You have no idea how hard I really do try. So much lately. I want to do it more than I've ever wanted anything. I want to be normal, and be happy like everyone else. I don't want to be sick and I don't want to be tired. I really wand to change, and if I keep trying, one day I should get it.

This is what I'm hoping for. I have no long term goals, but I think I can do it. I'm sure I can. Yeah I might slip up every now and then, but really there are somethings in my life I CANNOT control, no matter how much I want to. My emotions for example. If I'm on a low, you can't stop it and nor can I. There's nothing I can do about it. It makes me really sad, but I know when I slip up there's always someone there to catch me (even if I DO weigh more than them). There are people who care, and so should I.

I'm not going to let this beat me.