Holiday?

New Years.

A.
N ew.
Y ear.
T his.
H ate.
I s.
N o.
G ood.

W hy.
I s.
L ove.
L ost.

D rop.
O ut.

So... This is 2008. Somehow I didn't think I'd live this long. Really I didn't, what with the way I live. It's getting better, and one day it might fix itself. Perhaps, you know if I'm really lucky. Christmas was "merry", but I can comfortably say there was a dismal tinge to the air as the joy of the hoiday was somehow drained from everyone long before it actually began. What with the running away and all. No one needs that. Not you, not me, not anyone.

My dad is a heartless seamless cold calculating bastard who pretends to care. Pretends to live for others. Pretends life. Let's play pretend... Can you spot the faker? No? Look harder. The part I hate is no one ever sees it until it's too late and there's no escape. I mean if there was a way out you'd take it right? But no, in this sick world, there is no such luck as that. Another thing about my loving father. He's an addict, and terrible with money.

My mother... My mother, well... All I can say for her is that she tries. After much caoxing she took my siblings and found a house to rent. They will be enrolled in school, and developp lives again. They're lucky to have that done for them. Momo works a shit job that pays $16.00 an hour. She leaves early in the morning and comes home late at night. If she's not sleeping, she's cleaning or cooking. As I've previously stated, she tries.

I am not a lost cause yet. I refuse to live with my father, in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. He's crazy, he'd kill me, and I'm scared of him. I can't live with my mother. The pressure, tension and full time dependence would be enough to make me want to die. I have this friend. She's amazing. Her parents are amazing. I'm moving in with them for the time being. Until I'm 16 then I can move out and be on my own. I know 15 is young to be moving out. You're not me. You couldn't possibly understand my motives though I try to explain them with much effort.

This has all happened in the past 11 days. All of it. The past 11 days. Too short of time, too much to adjust to. I know. I shouldn't care, I should be happy that my life is going somewhere and improving. I'm pleased that it's changing. But somehow I'm still not happy. I almost forget what happy feels like. Sure, I know the momentary happiness. But in the overall scheme I'm as depressed as I am depressing. I think it's going to take a long time to change. It might yet.

It might not.

I'm not through with this.

I can't keep it quiet.

I want to scream.